Holiday Conversations: 101
Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

Recently our company threw a holiday party where we invited various clients, customers and prospects. Parties like this are pretty typical around the holidays. They are social, but on some level they also involve business. One important goal is to make everyone at the party feel comfortable. Being comfortable has to do with having relaxed and enjoyable conversations. But sometimes this is easier said than done.

As our party progressed, I noticed some of our staff huddled together talking with each other as opposed to other people, so I encouraged them to mingle. However, the consensus from many of our employees was that they weren't comfortable making "small talk" with people they didn't know especially well.

If you have ever found yourself struggling with how to communicate at a party or social gathering without feeling awkward or uncomfortable, consider the following tips:

--The first hurdle is to get past the introduction. If you can't do that, you can forget about keeping the conversation going. The key is to look someone in the eye, shake his hand, and say, "Hi. I'm Jim Smith. I work for X. I wanted to introduce myself." If you know who the person is, you can revise that and say, "Hi, Mr. Jones. I wanted to introduce myself. I am Jim Smith. I really appreciate the work you are doing on the XYZ project." Your goal is to get the conversation off the ground.

--Another point to remember is that you have an advantage when you initiate the conversation as opposed to waiting for someone else to get the conversation started. When you are a proactive conversationalist, you have the opportunity to guide the conversation in a particular direction. Plus, waiting for someone to come up to you and start a conversation is only going to increase your anxiety when and if they don't.

--Find some areas to talk about that aren't business related. Those areas include family, kids, sports, restaurants, movies or hobbies. You could also talk about items in the news ("What did you think about President Bush's speech the other night?"), but avoid controversial topics like abortion, the war or gay marriage as conversation starters. You don't want to get in a debate at a party or reception. Nothing good will come out of that.

--Let's talk business cards. The key is using discretion in these situations. Only offer your card when the conversation gets comfortable enough to the point where a topic(s) of mutual interest has been addressed. At that point you can say something like, "I'd love to get together to talk more. Do you have your business card?" If they have it, great. If not, give them yours and only follow up if you actually feel there is something else you want or need to talk about.

--Non-verbal communication matters a lot in these settings. Never underestimate the power of a smile. It sends a clear message that you are a friendly person, that you are happy to be at the party and you are easy to talk to. Simply put, a smile sometimes communicates a lot more than words ever could.

--Watch those "cocktail party eyes"---Looking past the person you are talking to because some "bigger fish" is walking by. You don't have to stare at the person like some sort of nut, but just maintain relaxed steady eye contact. Be in that moment. If the other person think you are distracted or bored, it will really hurt your chances of following up in a positive way.

Write to me with any questions or comments about a recent cocktail party conversation you've had, or didn't have, but wanted to. We'll try to help.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, visit his Web site at www.stand-deliver.com, or e-mail him at sadubato@aol.com.

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