Gender Communication Blurred
Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

Imagine you are delivering a speech on the issue of leadership to a women’s business group. You are sharing observations about the differences between men and women when it comes to management and communication styles. Your analysis centers on a variety of commonly held beliefs regarding women being more empathetic, better listeners and more collegial. You say to the group that women in top positions often have a level of sensitivity and compassion that too many male executives lack. You add that men tend to be more aggressive, action-oriented and more comfortable with confrontation when communicating with their direct reports.

Just then a woman in the audience who is a top executive raises her hand and says; “Frankly, I have found women a lot harder to work for than men.” The speaker asks, “But what about all that talk about women sticking together in the workplace and there being some sort of sisterhood among women?” She immediately responds, “That’s a joke!” The room erupts with laughter. The speaker (this columnist) is perplexed.

Now consider the case of Rosie O’Donnell, the very successful entertainer/entrepreneur who a few months back was involved in a contentious court case regarding her now defunct magazine Rosie. Much of the trial centered on O’Donnell’s less than rosy personality as a top person at the magazine. In the trial, she was accused by Cindy Spengler, an executive for her magazine’s publisher Gruner + Jahr, as saying, “You know what happens to people who lie. They get sick and they get cancer.” O’Donnell was characterized as being a mean-spirited manager who often ridiculed her staff and lead in a dictatorial fashion. Even if some of this is true, this characterization flies in the face of what many believe to be the “natural” leadership and communication traits of women in business.

So what’s the deal? Do men and women in leadership positions communicate in dramatically different ways? Are those differences based largely on gender or does it all come down to the style of the individual leader?

After speaking with numerous men and women in leadership positions, I’ve come to these conclusions;

--The stereotypes of male/female communication styles are becoming more and more dated an obsolete. The lines are more blurred and the gender picture more complex.

--More and more women lead and communicate in an assertive and in some cases aggressive fashion, often utilizing an “in your face” style. These women can no longer be called the exception.

--Conversely, there are a lot of men in positions of authority who consistently communicate in a compassionate and caring fashion. Many of those leaders have been profiled in this column over the years. Again, their approach is shaped less by gender and more by personality, previous experience and individual philosophy.

--When managers like Rosie O’Donnell allegedly communicate to individual employees like Cindy Spengler in a condescending and personally offensive fashion, such behavior should be examined in a gender-neutral fashion. If true, Rosie O’Donnell’s communication approach in this instance tells us virtually nothing about women and how they lead, but a lot about Rosie and what she needs to work on.

--Calling people names or yelling in the workplace is wrong no matter who is doing it and those of us in leadership positions who make this mistake shouldn’t use gender as a crutch. Simply put, it is no more acceptable for a man to do this than it is for a woman.

I’m curious about what you think. Are there any leadership and/or communication traits that are still tied to gender? If so, what are they? Write to me, we can help each other.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, visit his Web site at www.stand-deliver.com, or e-mail him at sadubato@aol.com.

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