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Conversation Is More Than Small Talk
Steve Adubato, Ph.D.
A lot of people ask what the best way is to open up a conversation
without having the conversation stall after a minute or two as you
stand in uncomfortable and awkward silence looking down at your
shoes or up at the ceiling until someone finally makes an excuse
to part company? How can we all get better at the "small talk"
that is so valuable in business and social settings.
Contrary to what many believe, so called "small talk"
that opens up a conversation is not some sort of gimmick to get
someone's ear. It's not a strategy to make people THINK you're interested
in them. It's a way to show genuine interest and curiosity. It helps
people open up about themselves. It identifies common ground on
which to continue having a conversation and hopefully building a
relationship.
Small talk, however, is only the first step in getting a conversation
going. Keeping the momentum of a conversation upbeat and going strong
is a skill that takes practice and patience. Some tips to consider:
--Limit closed-ended questions that ask for a simple yes-or-no
response. You can hear the possibility for further give-and-take
grind to a screeching halt when someone says, "So, do you like
your job?" and the person responds, "Yea, I guess,"
or, "It's okay." Period. If you ask a question that requires
a on-word answer, that's all you will usually get. These closed-ended
questions can help you do some fishing about a person's interests,
but they can't keep a conversation going.
--Ask more open-ended questions that require a thoughtful response.
For example, when you ask, "What do you really like about your
job?" or, "What frustrates you most about your job?"--it
gives the person something to really think and talk about, as well
as provide details and examples. This also gives you the opportunity
to discover if you have common feelings or experiences and that
will help keep the conversation going.
--Catch yourself when you're tempted to make a negative comment
to begin a conversation. Find a way to put a subject or situation
in a positive light. Some people try to get a conversation going
by commiserating about how awful something is. "Boy this place
is really cold. Why don't they turn on the heat?" A little
complaining is okay, but don't go overboard. Going negative offers
a shaky foundation for a solid conversation. A key to being a good
conversationalist is to NOT be a complainer, a whiner or a generally
unhappy person.
--Be curious and ask people to share their point of view, even
on subjects you already know a lot about. This requires you to not
be a know-it-all. When someone in the group just can't resist being
the expert it can quickly kill the whole conversation. ("You've
got to be kidding me, Bob. My son went to Harvard and their communications
program is a lot better than your son's program at Rutgers.")
Even if you think you are the expert at the topic at hand, let others
share their opinions. Amazingly, you may actually find that you
learn something in the process.
--Accept a degree of silence in your conversations. Think of the
silence in a conversation as "white space" that gives
people a chance to think about what's been said. A short period
of silence won't hurt you. Letting the silence exist for a while
shows that you're comfortable enough with yourself and the situation
to let silence happen. Learn to use it to make a point, give time
for reflection, and pause before moving on to a new subject.
Any questions about conversations? Write to me so we can keep our
conversation going.
Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication
and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the
Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza,
Newark, NJ 07102, visit his Web site at www.stand-deliver.com,
or e-mail him at sadubato@aol.com.
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