Arguments Go Nowhere
Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

Recently my wife Jennifer and I got into a heated argument about a chandelier she purchased for our home. When she asked me how it looked, only half in jest I said to her, "The chandelier is perfect…for The Waldorf." I was trying to communicate that the chandelier was simply too big for the space. She got somewhat defensive and said since I wasn't involved before, it was unfair for me to be so critical, especially since the chandelier was special ordered and could not be returned.

At this point, I was getting a little annoyed and said I thought she didn't handle the situation very well. Then this communication faux pas; "If I were handling this, none of this would have happened." At that point, she got very defensive and said, "Fine, then you handle the house from now on. I quit!" I angrily responded, "You can't quit. I can't quit my job just because things get a little rough."

Fortunately, such conversations are rare between us, but you get the idea. We were having a dumb yet heated argument about a chandelier. We were both in heavy "argument mode" and weren't listening to one another. It was only when our one-year-old starting making funny faces and laughing that the tension subsided and we finally both broke out laughing realizing the absurdity of the situation.

But there is a bigger lesson in all this including what happens when we get into "argument mode." Disagreements are clearly inevitable between people that spend a lot of time together. Yet, arguing rarely produces a positive outcome for either party. When was the last time you felt better after a heated argument with someone in your family or at work? It just doesn't happen.

Following are some of reasons arguing is such a destructive communication approach:

--When in argument mode, we aren't likely to listen to or care about what the other person is saying. That is a dangerous place to be. We can become mean spirited and very competitive. We become obsessed with "winning." As Deborah Tannen says in her book "The Argument Culture" (Ballantine, 1999), "You use every tactic you can think of-including distorting what your opponent just said-in order to win the argument." Simply put, arguing is polarizing.

--We often say hurtful things that we don't really mean. The problem is that once these things are put on the table, ("You are such a jerk." or "The way you handled this was really stupid."), it is hard to take these words back, even after you apologize. People you care about get wounded and hurt. These wounds sometimes take a long time to heal and cause irreversible rifts in meaningful relationships.

--Anger puts people on the defensive. Participants feel compelled to protect themselves. By communicating in such an aggressive fashion, the argument only ratchets up. Alternatively, some people decide they are not going to fight back, so they shut down emotionally and intellectually.

--When you argue too often with those around you, it devalues your point of view. You can be seen as a person who flies off the handle at the drop of a hat. When a real circumstance arises that you want to debate-your voice will become muted.

--When we fight, we are not likely to accept or acknowledge a legitimate point raised by the other party. Finally, when arguments go too far, you can't even remember what you were arguing about because things are spiraling so out of control.

Next time you are tempted to go into "argument mode," ask yourself whether you are prepared for these and other negative consequences. I wish I had done this when it came to that stupid chandelier.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, visit his Web site at www.stand-deliver.com, or e-mail him at sadubato@aol.com.

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